Monday, March 18, 2013
"Love will sustain, a dying soul. Lost in the tides of worldly woes"
Years ago I was going through my phone (at the time it was this Samsung slide phone. Loved that thing). Anyways, I found this note saved in there. On the note it said "Love will sustain, a dying soul. Lost in the tides of worldly woes." I don't remember typing this quote in there. I think someone did it. Every time I Google it, I find nothing. There's some article on deviantart. That's it. Can any of you help me with this quote? I love it, but I have no idea where it came from!!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
My Mind
It's almost midnight here in Alaska. My boyfriend is sleeping peacefully next to me. And I can't get a wink of sleep. Well, I was asleep. For some reason, now I'm not.
I already have an overreactive mind at night, at least, that's what I tell myself. I'm constantly dreaming. I know experts say that it happens to everyone, but that's not what I mean. I mean I remember them all. Pretty much every single one. Most nights I'm up constantly because it's one dream after another. However; it's nights like tonight that my mind is overreactive in a different way.
For the past half hour, every time I close my eyes I get these pictures in my head. I can't really explain them. They aren't scary or anything, but they freak me out. I think they freak me out because they won't go away, no matter how hard I try. It gets to the point where I just start crying and crawling into the fetal position. I don't really go back to sleep. I mean, obviously I do, but I'm not sure how. And later I always wake up in the middle of a dream anyways.
It's like I can't get out of my head. I'm stuck. And that kind of scares me. Do any of you have these issues? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I already have an overreactive mind at night, at least, that's what I tell myself. I'm constantly dreaming. I know experts say that it happens to everyone, but that's not what I mean. I mean I remember them all. Pretty much every single one. Most nights I'm up constantly because it's one dream after another. However; it's nights like tonight that my mind is overreactive in a different way.
For the past half hour, every time I close my eyes I get these pictures in my head. I can't really explain them. They aren't scary or anything, but they freak me out. I think they freak me out because they won't go away, no matter how hard I try. It gets to the point where I just start crying and crawling into the fetal position. I don't really go back to sleep. I mean, obviously I do, but I'm not sure how. And later I always wake up in the middle of a dream anyways.
It's like I can't get out of my head. I'm stuck. And that kind of scares me. Do any of you have these issues? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Wants
Have you ever noticed that when you can't have something, it makes you want it more?
This morning I had my second ankle surgery. I wanted to put lotion on because my skin was really dry (hello, I live in Alaska). But I couldn't. My lips were chapped. But I couldn't put Chapstick on. And I don't think I was even that hungry or thirsty when I woke up at 4 am to get ready for the hospital. But I think knowing that I couldn't have those things, made me want them even more. It's like our body preemptively misses things. Like we're preparing ourselves for the things we're going to be without already.
It's not just material objects though. I just went to work on Wednesday and I miss my coworkers already. I miss my boyfriend already. I miss school already. I miss all these things, even though I haven't been without them for long.
Have you ever had that happen? Where something is off limits, but it makes you want it more? Say you're in school and you have this crush on a really hot guy, but for some reason you can't have him. Maybe he has a girlfriend or crappy parents. But it's the unattainable that makes us crave. I think our mind does this in more situations than one. It could be a diet, a potential lover, a job, a vacation, a material object. Leave your comments below and tell me what it is you really want right now, but you can't have. I'd love you hear from you guys :)
This morning I had my second ankle surgery. I wanted to put lotion on because my skin was really dry (hello, I live in Alaska). But I couldn't. My lips were chapped. But I couldn't put Chapstick on. And I don't think I was even that hungry or thirsty when I woke up at 4 am to get ready for the hospital. But I think knowing that I couldn't have those things, made me want them even more. It's like our body preemptively misses things. Like we're preparing ourselves for the things we're going to be without already.
It's not just material objects though. I just went to work on Wednesday and I miss my coworkers already. I miss my boyfriend already. I miss school already. I miss all these things, even though I haven't been without them for long.
Have you ever had that happen? Where something is off limits, but it makes you want it more? Say you're in school and you have this crush on a really hot guy, but for some reason you can't have him. Maybe he has a girlfriend or crappy parents. But it's the unattainable that makes us crave. I think our mind does this in more situations than one. It could be a diet, a potential lover, a job, a vacation, a material object. Leave your comments below and tell me what it is you really want right now, but you can't have. I'd love you hear from you guys :)
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day everybody :) A lot of people hate Valentine's Day and I've noticed that mostly it is because those people don't have a significant other. However; these are the same people that end up loving Valentine's Day when they have someone to share it with. To me, this is kind of hypocritical.
I see Valentine's Day as a celebration of intimate love. To many that would mean love between a person and his/her significant other. But it can also mean intimate love with yourself. Do you really need someone to bring you flowers on Valentine's Day? No. If you want flowers, go buy yourself flowers. Do you need someone to buy you a spa package? No. Go get yourself a manipedi and a nice massage. Spend the day reading some 50 Shades of Grey. Give yourself that much needed "me" time. Spend the day loving yourself. If you're so obsessed with trying to find someone else to love you instead of loving the person you are, you might be searching a long time.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Solutions
Right now, I don't want everything to be "okay." That's what people keep telling me. "It'll be okay." I don't want things to be "okay." I don't want to wait for things to get better. I want a solution. I feel so stuck. Have you ever felt that way? Felt like you can't go anywhere? Felt like almost nothing is going in your favor? That no matter what you do to try and change things, something keeps you exactly where you don't want to be? It's a really pathetic and hopeless feeling. How do I fix it?
Friday, February 8, 2013
Mars and Venus
Have you ever wondered how men and women can differ emotionally in complete opposite ways? My boyfriend and I will have been dating 10 months as of tomorrow. You would think that I'd have figured him out by now, but then he does something that makes me wonder.
Lately we've been talking casually about moving in together. This would be a big step for the both of us seeing as neither of us has lived with a significant other. A few weeks ago I had made the comment that we could start looking at places once I got back from my vacation to Portland in July. He totally freaked out and said, "Let's just wait until that time comes." That was the end of the conversation. I figured, okay, this is something he doesn't want to talk about seriously right now. I'm okay with that. Like I said earlier, it's a big step.
Then on Tuesday night he completely threw me off. We're sitting down and he says to me, "So this guy I work with is building an apartment (or something like that) and I really trust his work. He asked me if I was interested. It'd be $1000 a month." By the way, here in Fairbanks, that's not that bad. He then proceeds to ask me, "Can you afford that?" Now I'm thinking, a couple weeks ago, you freaked out about us looking at places in JULY and it's February. At this point, I'm confused. My response was, "We'll see." I just got a new promotion and I'm getting a feel for how much I make a month.
I started thinking that night about how different our brains and our emotions work. There's only one conclusion I could come to. That was the men work on their own terms. Or at least, my guy does. They seem to only want to be emotionally connected when they want to. If you go all emotional on them, they shut down. Maybe my man is just weird, but it seems like I still have things to figure out about him.
Lately we've been talking casually about moving in together. This would be a big step for the both of us seeing as neither of us has lived with a significant other. A few weeks ago I had made the comment that we could start looking at places once I got back from my vacation to Portland in July. He totally freaked out and said, "Let's just wait until that time comes." That was the end of the conversation. I figured, okay, this is something he doesn't want to talk about seriously right now. I'm okay with that. Like I said earlier, it's a big step.
Then on Tuesday night he completely threw me off. We're sitting down and he says to me, "So this guy I work with is building an apartment (or something like that) and I really trust his work. He asked me if I was interested. It'd be $1000 a month." By the way, here in Fairbanks, that's not that bad. He then proceeds to ask me, "Can you afford that?" Now I'm thinking, a couple weeks ago, you freaked out about us looking at places in JULY and it's February. At this point, I'm confused. My response was, "We'll see." I just got a new promotion and I'm getting a feel for how much I make a month.
I started thinking that night about how different our brains and our emotions work. There's only one conclusion I could come to. That was the men work on their own terms. Or at least, my guy does. They seem to only want to be emotionally connected when they want to. If you go all emotional on them, they shut down. Maybe my man is just weird, but it seems like I still have things to figure out about him.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Change
Change. It's kind of a funny thing. We don't really think about how things change unless we sit down and take a look at how things used to be. Sometimes we don't even know how it happens.
Today at work, a coworker of mine and I started talking about how I danced in high school. I told her that I used to be this extremely unconfident, annoying girl. She said to me, "Wow, I can't imagine that. You're just so outgoing I wouldn't have ever thought you weren't confident." But I was. And one man changed that, and he may never know it. Paul Winkelman, a well known choreographer in the dance world, came to Alaska to lead tryouts with my coach. He said something to us that I will never forget. "If you don't have confidence in yourself, then no one will." He told us to have self confidence, but not be arrogant. To walk with attitude and with sass. That's how you capture peoples' attention. Not by hanging your head and sulking, but by lifting your head high and knowing that you are worth it. After that, I changed.
Not only did my dancing get better, but I started to make more friends and more guys seemed to like me than they had before. It was like everything had started over. Nothing around me had changed. I still lived in Alaska. I still went to the same school. I still had the same dance team. And I still had the same friends. I was the one who had changed and it felt amazing. And I've continued to change through the experiences I've had, the loved ones I've gained and lost, and I start to wonder. What if the me now was the me in high school. Would I have had different friends? Different grades? Different experiences? But it doesn't matter. Because everything that happens in our lives, makes us who we are today. Every day changes us. So why look behind on what happened and why it shouldn't have? Why not lift that head high, look ahead, and look how far we've come already. We all still have so much changing to do. It's never too late to start.
Today at work, a coworker of mine and I started talking about how I danced in high school. I told her that I used to be this extremely unconfident, annoying girl. She said to me, "Wow, I can't imagine that. You're just so outgoing I wouldn't have ever thought you weren't confident." But I was. And one man changed that, and he may never know it. Paul Winkelman, a well known choreographer in the dance world, came to Alaska to lead tryouts with my coach. He said something to us that I will never forget. "If you don't have confidence in yourself, then no one will." He told us to have self confidence, but not be arrogant. To walk with attitude and with sass. That's how you capture peoples' attention. Not by hanging your head and sulking, but by lifting your head high and knowing that you are worth it. After that, I changed.
Not only did my dancing get better, but I started to make more friends and more guys seemed to like me than they had before. It was like everything had started over. Nothing around me had changed. I still lived in Alaska. I still went to the same school. I still had the same dance team. And I still had the same friends. I was the one who had changed and it felt amazing. And I've continued to change through the experiences I've had, the loved ones I've gained and lost, and I start to wonder. What if the me now was the me in high school. Would I have had different friends? Different grades? Different experiences? But it doesn't matter. Because everything that happens in our lives, makes us who we are today. Every day changes us. So why look behind on what happened and why it shouldn't have? Why not lift that head high, look ahead, and look how far we've come already. We all still have so much changing to do. It's never too late to start.
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